Ok so ive been watching the movie Super Size Me. Im almost done. I dont think ill be eating much McDonalds in the near future. Its amazing how many calories and how much fat is in fast food. And then my wonderful Gay friend Daniel that lives with me decided we should order pizza for dinner. B/c we had the house to ourselves tonight for once. So i gave in.

I ordered 2 medium pizza's one with cheese only and one with half pepp/half canadian bacon. And an order of breadsticks and a 2 liter or diet coke.

My total calories for my dinner?? - 550 yah me!
i had a total of 2 slices of pizza ( i dont eat the crust) , and 2 breadsticks and some diet coke.
Not too bad for being take out pizza.

Ive still stayed within my calories for the day. i had a fruit cup earlier and so now im stuffed and wont eat again till tomorrow.

So my question is- can you still eat fast food and say its ok when on a diet? I think so. I think as long as you keep the portions down, dont over-indulge or supersize it, and maybe opt for lighter versions of things - like ask them to use thin crust and not hand tossed ( it DOES make a difference) or go to a burger place and get the kids meal and water or sprite ( something that doesnt have a ton of calories) i think it would be fine. ONCE IN AWHILE not every day.

But this was a treat. Tomorrow ill go back to hopefully eating better lol

Im almost to the end of week 2. I still havnt started my exercising like i should.

So i overslept today b/c i didnt sleep well at all last night. All i could dream about was him. So i woke up at 7 and said to hell with going to yard sales today. So i have to catch them tomorrow. Which im going to. I need to get out of the house out into the summer air.

So today im trying to come up with ways to A. keep my mind busy and B. get some exercise in. So i thnk its going to be cleaning day. Im trying to get ready for a huge yardsale at the end of the month anyways and i still have a garage full of stuff to go through. Not to mention i should really go over to my mom's and go through some of my stuff there. I still have boxes and boxes of various items i havnt picked up and moved. And i moved out 5 years ago almost lol.

I havnt had anything to eat today. Ive had a glass of cranberry juice. After yesterday's fiasco with overeating last night im going to try to compensate for it today with eating lower fat and calorie items.

And i just finished watching the Documentery : McLibel. Very interesting if i do say so myself. Considering McDonalds is one of my all time fave fast food places. Im now watching SuperSize Me. I dont think im going to have much problem staying away from there for awhile now. Id rather know what im putting into my mouth then guess. I love hamuburgers and i love food but i think fast food i can stay away from. The only food i eat that i consider fast food now is subway. And thats very rare that ill stop to get it.

This is going to be a very long journey i can already see. And now that i feel im doing it alone and without the encouragement of the person that tells me they love me and will support me and be there for more, its going to be 10 times as hard. When i had him in my corner telling me how proud he was of me and that i could do it i honest to god felt like i could. I now feel like im defeated already and the race hasnt even begun.

Ive started to go through my closet of clothes. So many things ive bought over the years that are too small for me to wear- just sitting there. I keep saying ill just get rid of them and then buy a whole new wardrobe but then i keep saying no, ill get to that size ill get to that size. Im a garage sale junkie and i see all these cute CHEAP clothes that id love to have but i jsut cant justify spending the money ( even a quarter) on something that might take me years to fit into. Or when im very down, i might never get into.

Im just heartsick. Im heartbroken. And no one seems to understand. Everyone keeps telling me that he's probably just busy or maybe he's going through things... ok fine i understand... but im his SO (significant other) doesnt that count for anything? All i want is just a hey im ok im busy just let me have my space and id leave him alone for weeks if thats what he wanted. Just something. But this nothing hurts worse.

So the past two days have been hell on earth for me. The love of my life..... has been avoiding me like i smell like stinky cheese :(. Seriously, the last time i talked to him was tuesday afternoon. He was headed to an apt to see a therapist as he's been having some issues with a lot of things in his life including i know his dad passing away and he thought it was the best thing for him to do , to go back to see one.

I can understand this. Talking about things helps. Thats what im doing on this blog.

But....

I have NOT heard from him since. Not one word. He told me he loved me, that he would call me when he finished and poof. Its like he disappeared from the face of the earth.  Ive tried calling his cell and his house phone several times. Not back to back mind you but hours a part. Thinking maybe he was busy or sleeping... nothing. I get his voicemail and answering machine each time.

So now im depressed. Very very sad. I cant stop crying. I dont know what is going on. First i couldnt eat a thing. Then finally at 9 pm i gave in and ate a ton i shouldnt have. But i didnt eat all day. The only thing ih ad was at 2 am and that was some chips and various other things. So for dinner i ate:

Cup of tuna fish - had it on 2 pieces bread with pickles and 1 tablepsoon light mayo
1 1/2 cups of tuna helper
Crackers and 1/3 cup ( basically the rest) of this dip

Yes im a pig. I hate it.
So  calorie break down:

160 - 2 slices bread
Tuna (sandwhich) 160 calories around 4 -6 oz
Mayo- 50 calories
Pickles- 5 calories
Tuna- 160 calories
Helper -200 calories x2 - 400 calories
Crackers- 125 calories
Dip- 100 calories


960 calories for my dinner. Sigh.
Grand total for today - right at 1500 ( this includes the sun chips and stuff i ate at 2 am)

No clue how many calories ive actually burned off today with my crying and running around and cleaning. I honestly dont care. Its one of those days you just wanna say to hell with it.

But i wont. I cant. Im on week 2. but im so depressed and all i want to do is hear from him. thats all. just to HEAR from him. just for him to say hey im ok everything is ok we are ok im just dealing with things my way or im busy with work and stressed out. Sigh. Thats all i want. So if you pray, pray that i hear from him soon before i eat the contents of my fridge and possibly the nearest walmart and mcdonalds.....

Ok so i havnt had much time to write in the past few days b/c ive been incredibly busy and tired as hell.

Week one ended on the 7th. It was a long week one. One of the longest i have had in forever. But im proud to say that the following has happened:

I have not ate any fast food
I have consumed more water in the first week then i was drinking
I have cut cokes down to one per day and im almost down to 3 per week
I have gotten more exercise in not much but some

Week 2 started on the 8th which was yesterday. Ive been PMSing like crazy and so ive ate a bit more then i should but i have hopefully ( at least i think) stayed within my 1500 calorie limit for the days. Today is the 9th.

Yesterday i made homemade hamburger soup. It was awesome. I got the recipe from my faithful girls on the budget homemaking site that i use. Its a yahoo group ( which by the way , thank you yahoo for finally doing something RIGHT) The only bad thing was that it wasnt low in calories or fat b/c of the meat but it was meat and not bread so that made me feel better. I did make cornbread too. But its actuallynot high in calories or fat as i dont use a lot of things ( oil) in it.

Today i made Chicken Marsala. Total breakdown of food:
Chicken- i had one small breast so thats 100 calories
Mushrooms, heavy cream, spices- around 100 calories for the servings i had maybe 150 for the cream but really not that much
Mashed potatoes- i had the equivalent of one large potatoe with butter ( not much) so im going to say around 200 calories total.

Lunch i had my leftovers so ill say 300 calories for the meat

No breakfast

Drank water and juice today so around 150 calories for that

Chocolate mousse for dessert- i only had about 2 oz if that so 150 calories ( the only thing bad in it was the cream)
Cookies- 1 (200 calories)

so around 1300 calories for the day i think? That leaves 200 left over if i underestimated ( which i dont think i have done) And im no where near hungry at all for the rest of the night.

Ive been getting in some exercise b/c ive been cleaning out the house for an upcoming yardsale at the end of the month. So this week im going to start with the walking. The gym revised their hours ( again) so im trying to revise my workout schedule. I want to start getting in there as much as i can during the week and just do things around here on the weekend. Like a monday to friday kinda workout. I want to get at least 2 times in a day. However with gas the way it is this is not going to be easy. I thought about just going early in the morning for 3 hours and then walking around the neighborhood late at night.

Can you tell im indecisive about things? I try not to be.

Anyways week 2 is off to its start. By the end of the week i want to have at least burned off enough calories to lose 2 lbs. Wish me luck!

Ok so i didnt make it to the gym today. I ended up going to 3 different stores trying to find a clothesline. Did you know that half the people i asked went huh? Honestly this was the conversation:

Me: Do you have a clothesline?
Linens and Things Employee on phone: Do we have a who?
Me: A CLOTHESLINE
Linens and Things: Huh?
Me: YOu know what you hang clothes on
Linens and things: Something that hangs tags on?
Me: no a C L O T H S L I N E
Linens and Things: Oh no we dont carry those

OOOOOK.

So thats what i spent most of the afternoon doing. Went to walmart first- found a few good deals. Checked out Target. Im trying to determine if i really want to invest in a food dehydrator and a food saver or not. Also i want a panini maker. Im really debating.  I figure if i do the food saver i can make things in advance so i can just get it out of the freezer and thaw it and cook it that are healthy. Also b/c a lot of the stuff i buy goes bad so fast like meats and cheeses that are lower in fat i get at the deli and other places, id like for it last just a little bit longer. Id had to waste money on things. As for the food dehydrator im not sure if i would use it as much as i think.  Ugh. I hate to spend money.

Anyways, gym clothes. I hate shopping for this stuff. I go and look at whats available and wonder how they think we can be comfortable in the tiny pieces of clothing they call gym clothes. Im a larger girl, and i either will buy stuff that makes me look like an elephant waddling b/c most of the stuff is too big and ugyly as sin. But the other stuff is super tight and makes me feel like im picking my underware out of my ass constantly even when its not riding up.

I think one of my new goals is to make fitness clothing for larger women that is stylish AND comfortable. I design custom clothing so this is going to be at the top of my to do list.

Ive decided that for now its oversized tshirts and capri's. I just dont see spending money on things that i dont feel comfortable in.

So far today ive not ate anything thats bad for me yah! and ive kept within my calories and gotten some exercise walking around the various stores. so well its something.

So today is sunday. The lazy man's favorite day. Nothing to do but sit around and watch sports on the tv. Or maybe you go to church, and you will be getting up to go hear the sermon and then come home to some lovely homecooked meal or go out to dinner with your family. Today for me is different- its the start of the dreaded gym day!

And if i didnt need any more confirmation, this is the conversation i just had with my ex fiance:

Ex: Why do you need to go to the gym?
Me: B/c im fat
Ex: Well your still beautiful anyways

Thanks. Im so glad you agreed with me about being fat. k. well now i know i need to go to the gym. x 10

So, now i just have to figure out when im going to go and how im going to make my fat ass get off the couch, off the computer and in motion.  I know i need to charge my mp3 player before i go anywhere and then upload some new music. The old stuff is great but i need a new playlist to get my butt in gear.

And then i have to figure out when the base gym opens. I cant remember. Its been so long since ive actually WENT to the gym. Its nice outside right now but its 7 am. Im still in my pj's and havnt done anything cept get a coke and put on pants. Ive thought about going out to the lake on base and walking the trail there but i got sunburnt the other day and its still not quite gone and if it gets really sunny its going to hurt. Not to mention that wearing shorts out there it will just get worse.

And im depressed. Its been a very long 4th weekend. Lots of drama, lots of sadness.

So how am going to get the strength up to go work out. Around alllll those hot military guys.... and gym bunnies. I go to the gym and there they are. These tiny little girls that wear very little clothing giving us people that are not quite so in shape.  Its unnerving. The guys, surprisingly, i can deal with. They are usually very nice and considerate and eager to help even us lumps that come waddling into the gym. But the gym bunnies.... no, they look at us like we're trying to steal their buff boy wonders away from them. Honestly, i just wanna know how to use this damn machine without breaking something ok! I usually stick to the track above the weight room and basketball court. That way i can observe and not really look like an idiot. Just walking around the track with my headphones in my ears and thinking about anything and everything i want to.

So today's goal is to walk at least 5 miles. Id like to go for 7 but i dont think its going to happen. 5 is going to be pushing it for my first day and ill probably only end up with 3. I also wanna take my book ( this makes it so much easier) and use the bikes at the gym. I can sit and read while i pedal and get lost in it and do so much more. Ill alternate, book, music, book,, music and then it doesnt get boring and i get in more miles and burn more calories. Plus, i get to read my books that i have stacked up to the ceiling in my house. 2 for the price of one i say.

So far today ive had 3 sips out of a coke zero. And right now im waiting on my fruit chiller to thaw out. Ill try to eat a banana and a piece of toast about half an hour before i go to the gym that way ill have some energy or something.

Really... i just wanna go back to bed :/

Ok so im on day 5. So far today ive had a large salad with only 2 tablespoons of dressing and some cheese and cucumbers. And then i had this really good thing called a fruit chiller. Im addicted to these things. And now a fruit b ar. I have had one coke zero and thats it. Im doing really good with the coke drinking.

Im sunburnt so i cant move very fast today. But for the first week so far im proud of myself. I have 2 days left.. I wanted to just get into the groove of things. I really want to start the exercise and stuff next week.

I want to start out slow and steady and then build up. Im going to start writing down everything i do b/c everything burns calories. This ought to be interesting.

Im giong to start buying various exercise dvds and workouts and see which ones work and are fun and which one flop and are duds.

I want to say right now that these are the items im in love with:

Fruit Chillers- they come in various flavors but the peach is the best by far. Its like pureed peaches ( think baby food) that you freeze and eat. Im trying to make them myself. I have bought a juicer and want to use the juice to freeze and make my own. But they are low fat and calories

Edy's Fruit Bars- OH MY GOD. These are the best things ever. 80 calories per bar, fat free and yummy. I love the Strawberry! Also the Lemonade ones are good it tastes like the lemonade you get at the state fairs! The grape is good ( just a little sour like real grape juice) and they also have Lime, Coconut and i think another flavor that i have not tried. But they are good. They do melt fast though lol.

Ok so, yesterday was a hell of a day. It started decently enough. I ate half a donut ( i couldnt not eat some after he brought them home :( sigh) so i just ate half. I got up got dressed and went out to get my hair cut. This is where everything went down hill.

So i get to the hair place and they are shorthanded and swamped. So i waited for an hour to get a 15 min haircut. But i needed it. My hair was taking on a mind of its own and was getting very scary. So it had to be done. So , i get into the chair, explain to the nice lady that i only want it to be cut to my shoulders and i want to keep most of my layers. Apparently her idea of to my shoulders and mine are completely different. Because when she finished i looked like a poodle. Sigh. Its a bit shorter then i would have liked but after looking at it 10 thousand times i figured it would work as long as i straighten it EVERY DAY. Esp in the summer b/c once i walked out my hair poofed due to the lovely arkansas humidity.

So i get in the car with my new do, and head off to little rock to pick up a bag of baby clothes from freecycle . I resell clothes on ebay and through yard sales. So whenever i get gifted free things im all over it. So i follow my directions, get to the house park and go to open the truck ( keys are still in the ignition) and set off my car alarm on accident. Car door is open im trying to shut it off and get the trunk open at the same time. All while not taking the keys out of the ignition. SO , i get out of the car, go to the steps of the porch where the lady has left them for me, pick up the bag go put it in the trunk, go to get back in my car .... and uh oh. I did not do this. I locked the keys, purse, phone everything in my car. When i was trying to shut the car alarm off i hit the lock button. I didnt see this. I shut the door with keys in ignition ( not on thank god). Yah. Im 35 min from my house, my phone is in my car and i have no clue what kinda neighborhood im in ( looks decent) i noticed the next door neighbors out and they kindly let me use their cell to call my mom, then call a lock service, and while im doing this the neighbor i had gotten the clothes from ventures over with her 10 month old twin boys lol. I felt like a complete tool. They were super nice and waited out the 30 min + that it took the guy ( who's first day it was yah  me) to unlock the car. He couldnt do it ( apparently my 2007 mustang is difficult) and had to call someone else to come out ( who opened it in a matter of a minute) and then i had to wait 10 more minutes for him to authorize my card in the lovely heat. By the time i was back in the car with the air on full blast id bee there for 45+ min and was drenched in sweat. I had also had nothing to eat since very early that morning and it was already after 4 pm.

I left and went to the post office i had to b/c of the holiday today. By the time i finally got home it was after 6 pm and i was starving. I did however only eat a small plate of my dinner. And i had a coke zero and some water. Then i went to sleep. I was exhausted.

So now its 4 am and im up and getting ready for the 4th. Its rained all night so i have to call my parents to make sure its not raining up at the lake as im taking my dog and myself up there for a few hours today to go out on the boat. Im kinda nervous though b/c i have to wear a swimsuit. I look horrible in one. So i think im going to wear a pair of short shorts and a tshirt over it all day or something. i wanna get some sun but mainly on my legs.

Ive already packed a small bag of 100 calorie snack packs to keep me tied over most of the day. And ill be packing 3 or 4 water bottles as well as the crystal light packets to put in the water. And ill take one coke zero to drink on the 45 min drive up there. I wont be able to smoke on my brothers boat (ugh) so ill be eating i think more. So i figured healthy was better then lots of burgers and fat that they are going to have out there. Im almost tempted to juice up some yummy pineapple and strawberry juice and put it in a container to take up there to drink on.

I just want to take a moment to give thanks to all the retired and active service men and women on this day. Thank you for serving for us. Thank you for everything you do. And to the fallen soldiers family- thank you for the ultimate sacrifice. I know first hand how hard it is.

So its the start of day 3. I have been incredibly worn out and sick here lately. So i was up all night and then all day till after 3 pm when i finally passed out in the bed.  I woke up at 11 pm feeling all groggy and not wanting to get up but i was hot and hungry.

Of course id slept through dinner and i dont like to eat after 9 pm. So i compromised. I went ahead and ate a small plate of food and a small bag of sun chips ( the small individual bag) so i had something in me till 4-5 am when ill eat breakfast.

Im trying to hard not to eat junk. Not to just give in and just eat whatever. Im surprised im on day three and still sticking to the calorie allowance i have given myself. Which for me here lately is a feat in itself.

I still havnt been able to exercise b/c of being sick  but i have gotten a ton of exercise cleaning and doing shopping the past 3 days. So im getting some sort of exercise. Actually anything is exercise. Did you know you burn calories when you sleep? When you brush your teeth? When you shower! Its amazing. I started looking all this up when i was trying to find out the most effective ways to burn calories. So i take anything i can get. Esp when i dont actually do exercise.

So its now day three and im all reved up to go!

Its 3:17 am... and im fighting the urge to eat bad things. Really bad things. Like bacon and eggs. I so crave that right now. it doesnt help that my friend thats living with me wont shut up about food. And deviled eggs! He's going on and on about how good they are. I know they are. Now i want to boil eggs and make them. But im not giving in.

So.... im having a cup of dry cereal and a 8 oz glass of juice. Im trying to curb my appetite so i wont give in and eat bad things. I have to leave the house at 8 so i can be at the post office when they open at 8:30 and then go pick up some freecycle things im getting between 9 and 10 am all the way in LR. Then i have to come back here unload the car and then go to my grandma's around 1 pm. I wont be able to eat much between that time so im trying to figure out what i can go ahead and make for lunch that way ill have it ready when i get home and wont have to go through the dreaded fast food window.

Oh how i want mcdonalds right now. Big mac, french fries, and a coke.... heaven.

How do these people do it? These skinny people that watch their diet and dont indulge in the food called grease. And salt! What a heavenly combo that is. Add some cheese and ketchup and we're good to go.

I hate being an insomniac that sleeps during the day most of the time. Here lately ive not been able to stay away for more than 8 hours at a time. I hate feeling so run down and out of energy. Im hoping that eating more fish and veggies and stuff will give me more energy and stamina. Its not like im just so fat i dont move, its just i feel exhausted all the time.

And now my dogs have decided that they are going to whine in their crates in the garage over who knows what. Its not morning. Its not breakfast. Its not time to potty! Ugh.... i understand that animals need to go like humans need to go but this 3:30 am crap is not going to cut it.

So its day number 2- almost an hour into it and im doing my best not to stuff my face b/c im up working late tonight.

This is HARD WORK. Everyone says oh just chew gum! Oh just drink water! Oh just blah blah blah... what do i say? Oh just SHUT UP! It does not work. I can sit and drink water till i do nothing but pee the Hoover Dam and it doesnt fill me up.

Im trying to do the eating every few hours thing to keep everything stablizied and my energy up. So ive started this day off with a small container of yougurt , some juice, and some wheat bread with cheese. I wont eat again till 7 or 8 am  and then ill probably eat again at 2 pm b/c i have to be gone all morning. So im trying to eat stuff that will fill me and keep me full for more than 20 min.

So far today:
Calories- 350

I know that sounds like a lot but in reality it really isnt. 

I didnt get much exercise in yesterday b/c ive been sick.  So here shortly ill be taking a mile walk down the road and back. Im trying to do 10 miles a day in intervals- like 1 mile here and 1 mile there. Space it out. It usually takes me only 20 min to walk a mile. I also count when i go shopping into my walking. My goal is to get up to walking 10-20 miles a day doing every day things- like shopping and walking for exercise and treadmills and every other piece of fitness equipment you can think of. Anything that keeps me moving.

I really want to invest in a bike. But how doy ou know your getting a good machine? Ill write another blog about that later.

Anyways, the love of my life has been very supportive of this. Which im grateful for b/c i need all the support i can get.

So, i havnt done much of anything today eating wise. For breakfast i had fresh fruit juice. I made pear grape and it was amazing. Then for lunch i had a wheat bread and cheese sandwhich so far so good....

HOWEVER, someone decided to bring home taco bell for dinner. So now im eating it. I did however add up the calories im sticking in my mouth first.

Grand total for my dinner of taco hell? 740 calories!
Grams of fat? 36

Where does it all go? I mean seriously what exactly is in this crap we put in our mouth. Im sitting here taking apart the items that are in the soft taco, the hard taco and the burrito. All it is is cheese, beef, beans, lettuce, and veggies. I dont get where they get 740 calories in this. I can make this stuff for a lot les calories. Which is what i think im going to do.  Make taco bell food for at least half the calories.  That is my new goal, make taco hell not evil!

So total now for the day ( its 7:30 and i dont wanna eat anything after 9 cept fruits or fresh veggies)

Breakfast- Grapes 53 calories
Pears- 96 calories

Snack 1 can of coke- 140 calories

Lunch- Wheat bread- 140
Cheese- 60
Mustard - 0

Dinner- V8 60 calories
Taco bell-740 calories

Total for today-  1,289 calories
Fat- 40

Wow. Lots of calories for so little food. However, i still have 211 calories to spare today. So i can still safely eat some more fruit and or veggies tonight if i get hungry. The day will start over at midnight.  But im really trying to just eat something small when im hungry whenever that is. Even if its 2 am and im up working.

Ok so its 1:27 am .... do you know whats in your fridge??? I do! I know because i just took inventory at 11:33 pm when i ate things that im going to be limiting myself on for the next however many days it takes to get back into the jeans that are staring at me in my closet.

This is going to be a very long and very difficult process. I have let my weight get so out of hand in the past few years and then on again and off again diets that never seem to stick. I am very discouraged and it makes me very depressed to be like this. But its very hard to see the clothing that i cant fit into when i go shopping with my friends. The clothes i so desperately want to wear and feel cute, sexy, and not like im about to go audition for the good year blimp's job.

Have you ever noticed that cute clothes dont come in large sizes? No. They dont. Cute clothes are confined to the size 6/8/10's of the world. And on occasions the size 12-14 but not so much. Although clothing companies are learning but its still a long time coming before that happens, and honestly i wish it never had to happen. I wish that everyone was healthy and thin and we didnt have to worry about overweight kids and adults and bigger sizes and bigger seats on planes and so on and so forth. But the world is not fair and people have eating problems both eating too much and not eating enough.

So i have decided to do the healthy way- diet AND excercise. yes that dreaded word. Its like a 4 letter word ( exercise lol not diet) but im going to do it. Im going to stick to a 1500 calorie diet and do my best to work my way back up to walking 10 miles a day.

So today is July first. I have consumed the following so far:

1 can of regular coca cola. Actually still drinking on it. So so far for the day ive consumed 140 calories of my alloted 1500. No fat, just lots of sodium and sugars. Im trying to go to coke zero only when i want caffiene. I cant live without caffiene. I work at home. i work long weird hours. Caffiene is my friend. Im a fiend. What can i say.

I also bought a juicer. This is gods best gift i swear. When God put the idea for Jack La Lanne to make a juicer he was on a roll. Have you ever used one of these things?? Its amazing.

Thats another thing ill be doing: giving you my thoughts and opinions on various items im going to buy and try. The good... and the evil. What to spend and splurge on and what NOT to waste your money on.

So sit back, relax, and get ready for the pounds to melt away ( at least i hope so!)

My Goal- Long term- 100 lbs
Short term monthly- 20 lbs